Where have our seeds gone?

Another rough draft, need input and comments, thanks



Spread not these Seeds



Oh, the grateful flowers bloom this spring day

from ground stained and moist, forever dark

costly the price for rare beauties shown.



The seeds so bright and strong gave all

to soils of distant lands, untended way to long

what price we pay to spread our visions.



Why must we view our flowers there?

Why must we tend these distant lands?

Why must we give our souls away?



Our tears fill our lands yet no seeds we have

barren now once rich and fertile soil

Who will give us seeds to sow?

Where have our seeds gone?
Intellectually brilliant piece. Indeed we have given away our seeds and our souls are emptier because of it!
Reply:I have asked myself this question many times, but never in such a startling, professional manner. The imagery is intense and the poetry superb. This is what new poets must understand; a poem is not a story. The reader must be given something to reflect upon. Congratulations on this one!
Reply:A very reflective poem. Sad, too.
Reply:sixth line: too, not to ('o, I forgot," he says)



The metaphor is sound, the meaning clear: and I agree.



The last stanza, there's a grammar problem, the first line doesn't flow quite right into the second. I'm not sure how to fix, the presentation is very personal (though the message is global), makes it difficult to offer suggestion. Maybe just some punctuation, a comma perhaps, but I'm also thinking a reordering of the second line:



Our tears fill our lands yet no seeds we have,

now barren, our once and fertile soil



Sorry, can't go on, the boss has returned. I like this piece though, well worth putting more effort in.
Reply:I like the way this poem is taking shape. It reminds me of the famous poem about poppies blooming on Flanders fields.



You might try paring this down to be more sparse, allowing the images to emerge with greater impact. A specific species of flower might give a stronger image You might also find another way to deal with the "why must we" lines. They break the flow and take away from the impact of your final question which wraps up your poem so well.



Good luck. I look forward to your next version..
Reply:Yes, indeed who will give us those seeds. Agreeing with G.J.

Delightful offering!
Reply:I always wanted to meet a lady that wanted to maintain her virginity so she'd take the seeds up the 2 hole instead. That never happened to me unfortunately...wish I was raised catholic.
Reply:I am a bit thick sometimes, I think. My understanding of this may not be as you intended - I see this as the western world stealing the treasures of the developing world - the costly price being the denuding of the original country (leaving barren soil behind)



I like this poem - especially the last line - pricking our consciences since we know who should be giving the seeds.
Reply:Excellent! I love it. Very worthy indeed.
Reply:that is gr8 i just love your poem sooooo very much!!^^ ooooo soooooooooo g8 word choice!
Reply:*****

Why We Die From Fighting

by TD Euwaite



You put your hand on the shoulder

Of the man, in front of you

You march straight toward the battle

As patriots are known to do



If you have every raised your hat

To old King George the Third

From loyalist to Tory then

From neighbor to the scorned



The flag of 13 stars still stands

Anewed by 37

When I am long gone from here

I'll march with soldiers in heaven



Ta Dah!

US Navy 1976-1981



*****
Reply:What an incredibly powerful piece. So beautiful in structure and voice, yet so haunting at the same time. This is the price for spreading your seeds too thin. I like your idea that we need stop tending other's gardens when what we need to do is tend our own garden and make it strong and fruitful. That last line is very powerful. Who will give us seeds to sow? That's so true. Your Garden Metaphor is amazing. This I will place among my favorites.
Reply:Great stuff!

If I may suggest :

Verse 2, try a dash before "what" and a ! after "visions"

Verse 4 try a dash before and after line 2



See what you think!

All the best!